So much so that I used an “AI” tool to brainstorm. Of course if there is an AI apocalypse, I might cause it by rambling at it. (Hopefully kidding)

Anyway, in my rambling, I realized why I was stuck; the week was boring. It was the daily grind, and as mundane as the grind could be, it can get overwhelming fast.

It was the 3-hour work drive for 2 hours of watching a computer upgrade and then watching it fail. Unfortunately, it’s affixed to a wall so I can’t easily bring it back to the office. So guess where I have to go again soon??

I also don’t want to write the same essay over every week. How many different ways can I say I have doubt? I did.

I didn’t prep my meals for the week? I didn’t.

I’m starting over again? I did… Wait, did I use that again?

Once you get through the mundane, you get hit with the weight and the spiral.

For weeks now, I’ve been sitting in the low 280s. I go down, I go up, and it usually correlates to the weekends. Then, when you look at my weight chart for the week, it looks like a bowl. A freaking bowl!! Talk about being on brand and my relationship with food being what it is.

I’m also in a content spiral. I want to post more, learn my camera, see what’s out there. But I have not gotten much traction yet, and it makes it hard to know what works and doesn’t. It also slows me down in wanting to create, which slows traction and so on. I need to figure out what to do, and my first idea was a full reset. But all that does is move the goal posts. I have plans with expiration dates, and I need to stay focused. I need to keep my goals and build on the wins.

This week had a significant win for me when I ran over 9 miles total for the week. It’s the first time I’ve done this since May 2026 and a strong reminder that I am really on the right path.

For this week’s goals, I want to make more time for myself and do the things I enjoy. I might even be able to post something fun about it. I’m also going to reiterate my meal prep goal. I’ve not done it yet; it’s always an excuse. But I know how much of a difference that makes for my day. It keeps me from the unhealthy, sooo tasty, snacks and pushes me to my sneaker goal.

Looking back on this essay, I realize the grind could be a benefit. Maybe the fact it was so status quo is a testament to what I’ve been doing and my big win this week. Think about it: things were so regular this week that I was able to improve my running enough that I held a sub-10 minute/mile for 0.3 miles. I guess it’s the little things that make the difference.

Little Things - Bush

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After writing the post about my dad…I needed a little time to think and I took a week off from posting.

During that week I thought about how my Dad was 30 years older and how being 52 makes that difference feel smaller. I don’t really know what my dad was like at my age now. I mean I knew things he did, but I didn’t really know him yet.

At that time I was 22 and well into my own little world. So I wonder at 52, what was he doing?

• Was he looking at retiring yet?

• Thinking about his second act?

• Did he think he would only have 10 more years with mom?

• Who was he when he wasn’t working?

• What were his hopes and dreams?

I know it’s unfair to compare my 52 with his. But here I am, sitting in my office, writing my new essay and thinking about things I like.

Dungeons & Dragons and other games, running, exercise, going out to shows.

We had such different paths in our lives and interests.

So here I sit, 52 and knowing the odds are high I have less days in front of me than behind. So what am I doing?

I am questioning if I’m on the right path and if the choices I am making now will ensure I am comfortable for whatever time I have left.

One of those choices is starting Cor Invictum. It is a multi-year work and what you have seen so far is my story and my week to week. The writings are one part accountability, one part therapy, and one part vanity. But I want to build something that will outlast me, something that could help people in their lives.

Most importantly it is an outlet for my thoughts. This week’s thoughts…doubt and feeling conquered.

How do I get around this? I write, tell my story, and figure it out. I keep the big dream, but focus on the short term steps.

They are:

• Work on my physical & mental health

• Narrow the social media focus of Cor Invictum.

• Work on getting my trainer experience.

• Understand these things don’t happen overnight.

Working on these steps will allow me to trust myself so you can build your trust in me. That doubt was last week’s challenge and will be one to face going forward.

That said, last week wasn’t all gloom, it was generally a good week. I exercised every day, except today. I needed that recovery day after hiking Overlook Mountain Friday and participating in a 5K Saturday morning. This brings me to a change of my weight loss goals. I changed my 25% weight-loss goal from starting to run to getting a new pair of running shoes. So, you know what that means... I started running again!

I didn’t want to wait any more, I need something to do to keep me active on the days I don’t do CrossFit. To get back at it, I am using “Runna”. It is a slow build, return to running plan that ends in late November. Once that plan is done, I am shifting into race training mode. Then, in April 2027, I am going to complete my tenth, in-person half marathon. And this one? It’s for me and to prove to myself I can do it again.

For Cor Invictum, I am going to focus on Substack and Instagram. I realized I overextended with trying to post to multiple platforms. Focusing on those will allow me to hone my skills and create compelling content.

For this week I plan to:

• Continue my return to running.

• Prep my breakfast for the week.

• Post a little more.

Most importantly though?

I’m going to trust myself.

Walk - Foo Fighters

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One of my favorite stories happened almost 30 years ago. A friend and I went to hang out in New York City for the weekend. On the way back, we missed our train from Hoboken back to Middletown, NY. Since we missed that one, we called one of our friends to ask him if he could pick us up in Suffern, NY, which is about 30 minutes south of Middletown. We get on the train and arrive in Suffern. As we pull in, my friend said “Dude, I don’t know what you did, but your dad is outside and he looks pissed!” As we get off the train, we learned there were major thunderstorms coming through and my dad was asked to make the trip down. Knowing this weather was coming, he drove about 90 minutes with my mom to pick us up. Admittedly, I am a little surprised he didn’t leave us there. Anyway, we started the trip back home through some of the worst storms I’ve seen. He was white-knuckling it and chain smoking the whole way home. But he got us home safe.

He had a lot of those moments in his life. But what I miss the most are the little moments with him. Like the calls on snowy days talking about how much we got, him asking me to check his propane tank levels when I’d stop by, the little bits of knowledge he’d share with me about classic cars, and even splitting a case of 30 White Castles — he’d literally drive an hour to me to pick them up, even after 4 PM.

As the Parkinson’s and dementia progressed, we lost a little bit of him every year. As his moments of clarity became fewer and fewer, I cherished the ones that came.

The week before he passed, the day we started comfort care, he was clear and I had the chance to say the things I needed to, the things I wanted him to know to ease his transition. I told him “Thank you… That you and Mom did a great job with us. That I love you and we’ve got it from here.” He mouthed ‘I love you’ back at me. He passed a week later.

I miss him terribly. It was the end of an era. Both my parents are gone. I miss those talks, the wisdom, the presence. I miss all the little moments. But I find peace in knowing I was able to share so many and have him as my dad.

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Last week was a good and successful week. I completed a couple of CrossFit sessions, made it to NYC for Comic-Con on Thursday, and had a fun time at Oktoberfest with my cousins. I also posted two new videos and a couple of fun photo cards from my essay last week. I am still looking for rewards for my weight goals, so get me some ideas! And if you’ve been curious about something I’ve shared or a topic you’d like to see me hit, ask away!

So, overall it was a fun week, but there were challenges.

First, I completed the “Doctor Appointment Gauntlet” on Monday with my visit to the Electrophysiologist. We started the discussion on the aFib front, he’s still strongly suggesting going through a procedure to try to fix it. Which I am not excited about, especially since I asked him if we’ve detected any additional aFib events on my loop recorder since December. There were none. He said that since I was on a low dose of Metoprolol, it’s been controlled. I asked if we could taper it to see if the aFib returns and he did not want to do that. I told him, while I trust his judgment and skill, I am getting a second opinion on what we’ve seen. Talk about a gut check moment for me, especially with the person who would be operating on me, but I really need empirical evidence that this procedure is the right move.

From there we moved into the discussion about my bradycardia and pauses while I sleep. He said that they seem to be worsening overnight.
I insisted I was just getting more efficient.
But we did discuss what impact the metoprolol and my increased fitness from CrossFit would have on it. I mean, realistically the increased cardio fitness alone will lower my resting heart rate; factor in a beta-blocker and it could amplify the effect. After that, he decided we can taper the metoprolol and I should be fully off it in a week from today. Now, don’t think I’m being reckless with my heart. I live close to a hospital with an emergency room. If I notice any issues I am not hesitating to get it checked out. Needless to say, this will be discussed at my second opinion visit.

Next, I finally received the lab results that my primary doctor ordered. The results were a little frustrating for me as my understanding of them indicates I may need a statin. Full disclosure, I need to meet with my primary to discuss this. Right now it’s speculation based on previous medical conversations. I want to be clear: I am not against medications or medical interventions, but I want to make sure it’s the proper decision for my health.

The last significant challenge was with my mental health. I ended up being a bit down toward the end of the week. I attribute it to not getting the exercise I needed, processing my medical updates, the weather on Sunday, and thinking about my Dad’s passing. Don’t get me wrong, I had good times with my family and friends, but not getting out of the house more and exercising took its toll. I became lonely, withdrawn, and spent most of the time working on NASM curriculum. I also understand the rest of this week could be challenging, but I am going to do my best to stay above water.

To help get through Friday, I am attending a bereavement session. We’ll be meeting during the hour my Dad passed and just remember him. It’s something I am looking forward to and need to do.

I have also decided to incorporate a couple of new goals this week. They are:

• Prep my breakfasts for the rest of the week.

• Walk at least 6500 steps every day, starting Tuesday. I have noticed that my activity level plummets on days I don’t do CrossFit, so getting at least that many steps in will be a step in the right direction. (Yes, I see what I did there.)

Last week I started something new in my essays and focused on an aspect of my curriculum. This past week I was focusing on Behavioral Change and let’s just say I had to tell it to stop looking at me. While I’m not going to deep dive into the content, I want to touch on the connection between mental health and exercise. (Standard disclaimer, I am not a medical professional and if you require mental health support, please reach out to the appropriate services in your area.)

My interest in this came from my experiences this past week. As I mentioned above, after a few days of minimal to no exercise, I noticed an increase in my anxiety and depression.
Today, I was still in my “funk” and it held right until I went to CrossFit. After that, my mood lifted and I feel better. Why? Well it turns out that even small doses of exercise will increase the release of brain chemicals that help regulate your mood.
Now, in my case, the mood dip showed up around 24-48 hours after my last workout. That dip, in turn, made everything worse.
In my ‘non-medical’ opinion, being sedentary for those days directly correlated with my anxiety and mood. It also makes the case that even some exercise during the week will help your mental health. So get out there, take a walk, go to the gym, whatever motivates you. Just take a few minutes every day to get some exercise in.

As always, thanks for reading and have a great week.

Times Like These - Foo Fighters

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It was a good week overall. I completed twelve CrossFit sessions in a month for the first time since I started. It took a little hustle to get it done and I certainly felt it for a day or so after. Also, in the wins category, I will count the fun stuff too, which gets me to Brooklyn and seeing Weezer on Wednesday night. We had a great time and I’m grateful to have been able to spend a couple of hours with one of my oldest and dearest friends. Friday was the beginning of the “Doctor Appointment Gauntlet” and both appointments on Friday went well.

There were a few challenges as well. I also had a challenge with CrossFit. During last Monday’s warmup and workout, my lack of flexibility became very apparent. It made me realize I need to focus more deeply in that area and whether it is yoga or pilates, I must make an effort to improve my flexibility and range of motion. Another challenge was the second job. Since you’re getting this essay later than normal, you can tell I didn’t have the time to work on this project as much as I’d like to. Which also led me to the decision that it’s time to leave the second job.

It was not an easy decision to make; as part-time jobs go, it was pretty chill. I liked the people I worked with and while I didn’t get a lot of shifts, they were manageable. However, I’m hoping to start gaining real-world training experience soon and it would really become a third job. So I had what may be my last shift on Sunday and can now really focus on my education and content.

The last challenge of the week was watching my weight run on the higher side. Between not being able to get food prep done, the Brooklyn trip, and just general comfort eating, I did creep up a little bit. Using my weekly averages, the week ending September 27 I was 281.1 pounds and the week ending October 4, I averaged 282.8 pounds. This reflects an average gain of 1.7 pounds or 0.6 percent of my body weight. Overall, while I’m not thrilled to see the increase, this change over the two weeks is well within normal fluctuations of 1 to 2 percent.

For this week, fortunately it is a more normal week with two exceptions. I may be going to the New York Comic-Con on Thursday and an Oktoberfest celebration on Saturday. I will work to not overindulge, but things happen. Another goal this week will be to try to get some food prep completed. I don’t see it being a full swing, but if I can get a little bit done it’s better than wandering out for a bacon, egg, and cheese! Though not always better. Overall I’m really hoping to keep this week light. Next Friday will be the first anniversary of losing my dad.

I have been doing better than I expected after his loss, but I will never tell you it is any easier. He was very stoic; expressing his emotions was never his strong suit. I’m almost the polar opposite, I can only imagine what he would be saying if he could read what I’ve been writing and sharing over the last couple of months. But I know I am certainly different. I wholeheartedly believe that sharing my feelings and emotions is a good thing. It allows me to learn and grow from them, it also keeps me from exploding!! It also lets me show people that speaking about your emotions is not a curse or weakness. The thoughts and words I have shared over these years are my strength. I understand it is not for everyone, but it works for me and I do encourage others to give it a try. Just understand it is not easy, especially if you are not used to putting yourself out there and realizing you are not alone.

Before I wrap up this week, I am going to start a new section in these posts. It was suggested to me to take a concept from my Personal Training curriculum and present it here. This week and after my challenge last week in CrossFit, I want to touch on the National Academy of Sports Medicine’s (NASM) Optimum Performance Training (OPT) Model. In short, the OPT Model is a planned, systematic, and periodized training program. It contains 3 levels with 5 phases total. What I want to focus on today is Level 1 Stabilization and Phase 1 Stabilization Endurance. The focus of this stage is mobility and flexibility, core and joint stabilization, postural alignment and control, and the beginning of muscular and aerobic endurance. I think of this level as back to basics and it is what I am applying to my current exercise routines. When I started CrossFit in June, I wasn’t ready for the level of complexity some of the movements required. Where I should have been focusing on the basics referenced above, I jumped in with both feet and paid with some minor injuries. After learning about this model, I realized I need serious work in the stabilization level. So, instead of trying to be a hero and lift more than I probably should, I am focusing on my form and function. This is helping me heal those little injuries and improve my range of motion. Once I feel confident in those basic movements, I can begin to increase my weight and start working on more complex exercise patterns. While it’s frustrating to feel like I am at such a basic level, it is going to be important for my long-term wellbeing and progress.

Lastly, I am always on the lookout for new things to write about. If you have a suggestion for something you’d like to see me write about or a question you’d like to ask, you can email me at mike@CorInvictum.com or send me a private message in any of my social media channels.

Have a great week and thanks for reading!

Oh! If you’re wondering about the subtitle, listen to “Pork and Beans” by Weezer.

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These Being Unconquerable posts will be, I’m hoping, weekly. I want to keep them conversational, talk about the wins and losses of the past week, share my goals for the coming week, and provide physical status updates. I really want to keep this interesting and engaging, and I fully expect every one of you to call me out if they get repetitive or dull.

With that out of the way, let’s get to this past week…

OK, the biggest news from the past week was passing my Certified Personal Trainer exam. I’ve been working on that curriculum since early May. To be honest, it was wearing me down. But it’s done, I have the certification, and the next step is to get placed at a gym for my “Gymternship.” This is an 8-week, 80-hour program where I’m working in a gym getting practical experience. I’m looking forward to it and should be placed somewhere locally by November.

On the usual grind side, it was a pretty typical work week. A couple of shifts at the store and the full-time job.

For exercise, I pulled three CrossFit sessions, a spin class this morning, and an hour of weight training after that. Diet is still hit or miss—I really need to take the time to prep some of my meals for the week. I feel like that will be a game changer.

On the mental health front, I can happily report I am completely off the Zoloft. My anxiety is very manageable right now, and with my doctor’s support, we successfully titrated me off it. I fully believe that this was possible because of the therapy I’ve been working on and getting my activity levels back up. I also understand there will be ups and downs, but right now I’m in a good place. I learned something about myself yesterday that answered a few questions I’ve had. I’m not fully ready to talk about it yet, but once I get a better handle on it, I’ll share it.

This past week I’ve also been thinking about goals. I’ve set a weight goal of 225 pounds. That is when I felt the best. I am trying to do this in a healthy and practical way, and I’m not rushing it. Before I started this journey back up, I had reached 294.1 pounds on March 9. That was the heaviest I had been since March 6, 2017, when I weighed 293.9 pounds. Since March 9, I have lost 13.2 pounds—putting me at 280.9 pounds right now—which equals 4.5% of my starting weight. Reaching that 225-pound goal would be 69.1 pounds lost. As of today, I am 19.1% there.

To help incentivize my loss and maintain progress, I’ve decided to put my reward system back into place. This time, I am going to base it on percentages, and each reward will happen at every 25% lost. While I don’t have things in mind yet for the remaining benchmarks, for 25% I am going to start running again. That will be at 276.8 pounds and a total of 17.3 pounds lost—meaning I’m just 4.1 pounds away. I am choosing that mark for running based on previous conversations with my doctor. And to be clear, I want consecutive days or a weekly average of 276.8 pounds or less before I start running.

To fix that hit-or-miss diet, another goal this week will be doing some meal prep for both breakfast and lunch. I will need to give that some thought today and tomorrow, but I want to be sure that I have the time to do the prep and not be rushed. I’ll try to come up with a few more realistic and obtainable goals during the week.

Finally, this week is going to be busy. I have a couple of doctor appointments, a blood work appointment, and the big thing... Weezer in Brooklyn!! I am also on the schedule to work and work out, so I’ll try to get posts for that up as they happen.

I hope everyone has a great week. As always, please feel free to comment or message me at any time—and if you have any good ideas for those 50% and 75% benchmark rewards, let me know. Thanks for reading!!

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Welcome to Cor Invictum!
I am Mike, and I am UNCONQUERABLE!!
corinvictum.com

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My mother-in-law passed after a long-term illness; it was a shock to the family. My next few weeks were distracted. I moved into support mode and was able to forget about my challenges for a bit. But we all know distraction only goes so far, and those issues with my physical and mental well-being were only being suppressed.

August and September saw some minor changes in my life. I picked up a part-time job, worked my full-time job, and visited my dad most days. They weren’t long visits; he was sleeping a lot, and the effects of his Parkinson’s disease and dementia were becoming more apparent. As much as I tried to deny it, I knew where we were heading. My personal downward journey continued from here. I was trying to lift myself out of it, but excuses would win out, and we finally arrived in October.

It is an understatement to say October went sideways, but it started out easily enough. I was getting ready for my usual Vermont race, I went to Oktoberfest with my cousin, and I was doing as well as I had been. In early October, Dad went to the ER again with double pneumonia again. His second time in about as many months. In short, due to his Parkinson’s disease, he developed dysphagia. This means damage to the muscles and nerves in his throat limited his ability to swallow food. It can lead to complications such as aspiration pneumonia and malnutrition. Add in his COPD, and he was in rough shape come October. He deteriorated significantly, and we knew it was time to begin comfort care. He passed away peacefully almost a week later.

I experienced a complex set of emotions after that. My Dad was gone, my mom too. It was truly the end of an era. I was grieving him, but not as hard as I expected. I believe I had been preparing for that day from the day of his initial diagnosis. I knew what the end game would be, and every time a familiar part of him faded away, I grieved a little each time. It was a long process for him and our family. And while I grieved his loss, I also felt relief. My Dad was a proud, tough man. He never wanted extraordinary care. He believed if it was his time, it was his time. I know we did our best to give him the best life we could at the end, but it was his time, and he was finally released from the prison his body and mind had become.

Time marches on, and things for me aren’t changing, but I am recognizing it. I started with a personal trainer in November/December to try and get moving again. I definitely didn’t put as much into it as I could have. Winter became a miserable time; it was cold and stormy. It was a good reason to stay inside. (EXCUSES!!) As the year turned, I started working with an in-person therapist, I began bereavement counseling, and adjusted my meds with my physician. Oh! Did I mention I had my first known atrial fibrillation event! Yeah, so that was fun and did wonders for my mental health. I did see my cardiologist about it, and to date, it’s my only known event. Perhaps this was truly the seeds of the Unconquerable Heart, but not one I needed.

Anyway, we finally get to spring. The change in seasons starts lifting my mood, meds are working, therapy is working, but I’m still not 100%. In April, I spent a weekend in Atlantic City at a conference. Those four days seemed to kick a lot for me into gear. First, I was away from home for the first time in some time. I was around people I had never met and was forced to socialize. That weekend, I started looking more forward than back and tried to be more present. It was after that weekend the seeds of Cor Invictum developed.

I started to think about how I can do better for myself going forward. I wanted to be more available for my family and friends; I realized I wanted a way to keep myself active, healthy, and to help people. I finished up with my trainer around that time as well, and in May, I signed up to become a certified personal trainer. I saw this as one of the best ways to accomplish and maintain my goals. As I started my coursework, I wanted to see other ways of training and joined a CrossFit group. I have been with them since; I enjoy the group and workouts so much, and it’s been a catalyst for keeping me active. Running has still been very start-and-stop for me, and I’m OK with that. I don’t want running to be a chore, like when I was marathon training; I want to enjoy it and the people I run with.

During the summer, I did complete my first 5K race in almost two years. I was nervous but finished it in a time I was happy with. More importantly, my mood and physical health keep lifting. I still have my down days, but they are becoming more infrequent. Because of all this, I felt comfortable with launching Cor Invictum and telling my story publicly.

For the first time in years, I am feeling UNCONQUERABLE!!!

Cor Invictum

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In July, I ran my last 15K to date; it was my slowest. I wasn’t prepared—I took too much time off after the marathon. I knew I was unprepared, and my anxiety ran with it. The morning of the race, my anxiety was screaming. I was convinced that I was “going to die.”

I know, dramatic. That is how my anxiety runs—it always goes straight to the worst-case scenario. It spirals, and I was heading into that slump. I called my doctor when I arrived home from the race weekend. After I saw him, we decided to start Zoloft. I had also actively been in therapy since March 2024.

The year continued. My exercise routine slid, and my weight kept creeping up. I ran less, raced less, and I think my last race was in October. It was more walking than running by now. Winter arrived with its dark and cold. I used every excuse I could think of to not run or exercise, and the year ended.

We don’t know the future; I had no idea what 2025 would bring. I started with good intentions of getting back to exercise and routines. But old habits don’t die easily... It was too dark, too cold, it’s snowing, I’m hurt. The excuses won, and I continued my slide.

In March, my family got together to celebrate what would be Dad’s last birthday. It was probably one of the best moments of the year. I can’t remember the last time just the family was home. It felt right. It was also the last time, to date, that we were all together in our home. A few weeks later, Dad broke his hip.

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The first few months went well, but the commute quickly caught up with me. On the road by 6:00 a.m. and rarely home before 6:00 p.m., my overall activity started to drop. Still, I kept running. That November, I ran my fastest half marathon at 2:01 and set a clear goal for 2020: break two hours. 2019 closed out well, and I was ready for what was next.

Then 2020 took a left turn. I won’t rehash it, but I kept running, commuted two days a week, and did the best I could.

My weight started climbing.

By 2021, I got back to racing and structured exercise while still making the long travel to work and back. My weight kept climbing. Then, in late fall 2021, I learned that my heart pauses while I’m sleeping.

Enter 2022—my anxiety said hello, and I prepared for my first surgical procedure.

In February, I had tests done on my heart to figure out what was going on. In a mix of relief and frustration, the doctor didn’t find anything to repair. The testing went fine overall, leaving me with a 24/7 monitor implanted in my chest for the last four years.

Between the heart scare and a few other life shifts, I transferred back to the office near home.

As the year went on, I kept my runs going, hit some races, and kept moving forward. 2023 turned out to be a steady year—I ran my ninth half marathon and was looking for number 10. Then, right at the end of 2023, I called a friend’s bluff and signed up for my first full marathon.

Oh! And in case you didn’t know, my weight kept climbing…

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Let’s back up a little. Four years ago, we discovered that my heart pauses when I sleep. I went through intense testing, including my first-ever surgical procedure. After four hours of electrical testing in my heart, the doctor found nothing that needed to be fixed and put an Internal Loop Recorder in my chest. This device records my heart 24 hours a day and reports back to the doctor’s office daily. I get the occasional phone call checking in, but the pauses only happen at night while I’m sleeping, and I don’t notice any issues the next day. To be fair, though, this is my perceived normal.

Monitoring continued, and for a long time, we only saw those pauses. Then, the day after Christmas, I had my first AFib event. It happened late, after working both jobs and shoveling snow. I woke up the next morning apparently still in AFib. I didn’t notice any issues, went outside to shovel snow again, and then headed to work. I still felt fine.

I noticed the alerts from my Apple Watch a few days later, reached out to the doctor, and went in to see him. We discussed what happened; he wanted to put me on the table right away, but I asked for a more conservative approach. He agreed to monitoring, a low-dose beta-blocker, and baby aspirin. I also agreed to go to the ER if I noticed anything strange.

Which I did yesterday.

I woke up at my normal time and got up to start getting ready for work. While in the bathroom, I noticed a “flutter” in my chest. Aside from that, I never felt off. I went back to my bedroom and started checking my Apple Watch. While the watch didn’t detect an AFib rhythm, it kept giving me inconclusive results. I moved to my office and repeated the test there with my watch and blood pressure cuff. I was still getting weird results and still feeling the flutter. I then went to take my morning meds, beta-blocker included, and realized I hadn’t taken them the day before. Needless to say, I took my meds right away and went to sit downstairs.

As I waited, I checked again with my watch and saw the same results. At that point, I made the call and headed to the ER.

I got right in. They hooked me up, did labs, and ran EKGs. My anxiety spiked, and doubt started creeping in. Of course, it didn’t help that every time I would finally relax, a machine alert would trigger. But, after four hours, I was discharged. My labs were good, my rhythm normalized, and I went home.

Once we got home, I had lunch and napped for almost three hours. Later on, we took a nice walk by the river, and I settled in for a relaxing night. But the doubt? That stayed.

I started questioning things, and Pandora’s Box was opened. Am I doing enough? Too much? Is starting Cor Invictum the right thing? Am I kidding myself about becoming a personal trainer? I have a hard enough time taking care of myself. IT ALL CAME OUT.

The doubt, the anxiety… I started spiraling. I couldn’t get to sleep. Finally, I got up and took a break. After a few minutes, things started settling down. I went back to bed, put in my AirPods, and listened to some brown noise for relaxation. I fell asleep and slept until this morning.

Today has been better. I feel fine physically, but the doubt is still there. I understand this is normal, though. The visit to the ER reminded me of my mortality and of all the family members who have gone into the ER only to never leave the hospital again. It sparks the doubt and makes me question everything. Knowing that, what do I do next?

First, I wrote this piece to process yesterday. Second, I am following up with my primary cardiologist on Thursday to see what we’ll do next. Third, I need to take my diet off cruise control and plan my meals better. Lastly, I will listen to my body more. I will push it, but if something doesn’t feel right… I’ll dial it back or stop.

I know I have fewer years ahead of me than behind me, but I want to have as many of them as I can. More importantly, I want to be healthy and active for them.

It’s time.

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A couple of weeks in, I got a sobering phone call from my doctor: my labs had come back with a pre-diabetic A1C. That terrified me. The last thing I wanted was to develop diabetes, and that realization pushed me harder than I ever expected. The weight started falling off rapidly. I was down 50 pounds by the middle of February, and 75 pounds by March. The momentum continued until I passed the 100-pound mark—entirely through diet and exercise.

During this time, I discovered running.

My past history with running was mixed, at best. I had tried track in junior high, but it didn’t stick. Back in 2007, I ran my first Boilermaker 5K, which took me around 45 minutes—and after that summer, I didn’t run again until 2017. With the weight now dropping, I decided to give it another shot. I asked my brother-in-law to set up a training plan for the 2017 Boilermaker 5K, and I began training in secret. The hard work paid off: in July 2017, I crossed the finish line of my second Boilermaker 5K in about 35 minutes. From that moment on, I was hooked.

As the year progressed, I visited my physician every couple of months to monitor my health, and the scale kept moving down. Most importantly, my A1C returned to a normal range! I was ecstatic. I had gone from staring down a future of daily medication to having nearly perfect labs. I stuck to my plan religiously, kept exercising, and signed up for more races. In November, I completed my first travel race—the Rocky Run 5K in Philadelphia. Shortly after, on November 23, 2017, I recorded my lowest weight: 193.8 pounds.

In just over 11 months, I had lost almost 160 pounds. It was hard to believe I had shed nearly half my body weight in less than a year. I was the lightest I had been since my senior year of high school, and I felt fantastic.

Moving into 2018, I was completely bitten by the running bug. I tackled 5Ks and 10Ks, joined running clubs, and raced in everything from late-afternoon summer heat to freezing, early-morning winter breakfast runs. I ran in all conditions and made some great friends in the process. In July 2018, I took on my first Boilermaker 15K, which sparked a new thought: I think I could do a half marathon. After all, it was “only” four more miles. I ramped up my training and successfully completed my first half marathon that September.

I maintained my progress for the remainder of the year. As I approached the two-year anniversary of starting my journey, I stepped on the scale on January 2, 2019, and weighed in at 213 pounds. I was completely okay with this. I knew 193 pounds wasn’t a sustainable baseline for me, especially as I got older. I entered 2019 in a great physical and mental place. But in the back half of that year, things started to change.

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July 17 Baseline Metrics
Overview
Weight: 279.8 lbs
BMI: 37.9
Weight Classification: Obesity Level II
Body Type: Overweight

Body Composition Breakdown
Category                           Percentage (%)          Mass / Rating
Body Fat Mass                 40.8%                           114.2 lbs
Muscle Mass.                   55.2%                           154.4 lbs
Skeletal Muscle Mass.    34.1%.                          95.4 lbs
Fat-Free Mass                  --                                  165.6 lbs
Body Water                      43.4%                           121.4 lbs
Protein Mass                   11.8%                            33.0 lbs
Bone Mass                       3.9%                              11.0 lbs

Body Measurements
Measurement     Value
Waist-Hip Ratio  1.03
Neck                     18.24 in
Shoulder               52.21 in
Chest                    48.82 in
Waist                    47.91 in
Abdomen             48.97 in
Hip                       46.41 in
L-Bicep                14.79 in
R-Bicep                14.64 in
L-Thigh               25.83 in
R-Thigh               26.35 in
L-Calf                  18.89 in
R-Calf                  18.62 in

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Two years ago, I ran my first—and, so far, only—marathon.

Leading up to it, I had been running and exercising consistently, tackling distances up to a half marathon in all kinds of weather. I had always thought about running a full marathon and wanted to cross it off the list before turning 50, but it wasn’t a hard-and-fast goal.

Then, in December 2023, I learned about a local marathon with a generally flat course. Between the convenient location and the forgiving terrain, I figured, why not? Part of it was calling a friend’s bluff, but deep down, I genuinely wanted to prove to myself that I could do it. So, I signed up.

The Grinding Phase

Training kicked off in January 2024 for a race at the beginning of May. I already had a decent base, but this required essentially doubling my mileage.

I ran through absolutely everything—cold, snow, rain, wind, and sun—at whatever times of day I could squeeze it in. There were brutal Saturday long runs, a bout of COVID, and the usual aches and pains. But I pushed through, building up to distances I’d never touched before. The training culminated in a solid 20-mile run, followed by a much-needed taper period.

May arrived, and with it, race day. It was a cool, drizzly morning. When the gun went off, things moved along smoothly, and I hit the turnaround feeling good. That’s when the rain picked up—not a downpour, but enough to get thoroughly soaked. I kept grinding, walking when necessary, and staying on top of my hydration and nutrition.

Finally, I hit the last mile and saw the finish line. A whole crowd of people was there cheering me on, and I sprinted that final stretch with every ounce of strength I had left. I still joke that if anyone had gotten in my way, they would’ve ended up as a smear on the course. I was targeting a 5-hour finish and crossed the line around 5 hours and 15 minutes. Needless to say, I was incredibly proud of the accomplishment.

The Crash and the Slide

After the race, my body and mind needed a break. I fully intended to jump back into a routine, but it just didn’t happen. My running didn’t completely stop, but the momentum slowed to a crawl. I managed to finish a few smaller races, but I began pulling back from all my usual activities.

I didn’t realize it at the time, but I had completely burned out, and that exhaustion carried forward. My last race was in October 2024, and even then, it was a massive struggle just to finish.

The downward slide continued. I’d train on and off, but I never really pushed myself. I’d sign up for races only to skip them. As 2025 ground on, I was dealt a heavy hand: a nagging injury, two significant personal losses, and a steep decline in my mental health.

That rough stretch rolled right into 2026. After a miserable winter, my depression deepened, and I was well on my way to hitting my highest weight since 2017.

Turning the Corner

As spring finally arrived, I knew something had to change. I started working with a new therapist, sought out bereavement support, and worked with my physician to adjust my medications. Slowly, the fog started to lift. I began working out more and lacing up my running shoes a bit more frequently. I signed up for three races this season—and true to form lately, I ended up skipping the first two.

Today was that third race.

For the first time in almost two years, I found myself standing on the starting line of a 5K. I felt a wave of anxiety, and my only real goal was just to finish under 40 minutes.

It turned out to be a beautiful morning—you really couldn’t ask for a better day to run in mid-July. When the race started, I found my rhythm, running most of it and walking only when I needed to.

I am incredibly happy to report that I completed the entire race with a time of 37 minutes and 35 seconds. While it is a cry from my personal best, I am genuinely proud of what I accomplished today. I am finally looking forward to getting back into racing, and I’ve already set my sights on a new goal for next year: coming back for the 15K.

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As a kid, I never really played organized sports or had much interest in athletics. I had a great childhood—being outside during the day, riding bikes, playing pickup games, and just doing fun kid things. But anytime I tried a team sport in school, I did the bare minimum, it lasted maybe one season, and I never went back. Even in gym class, I gave the least effort possible; instead of signing up for an actual activity, I would choose to “walk the perimeter” of the school grounds. I really didn’t try.

After high school and through college, I’d have little bursts of interest, but nothing I would lock into. I still did light activities like hiking, but nothing beyond that. Once I left college, I kept gaining weight and eating poorly. I was acting like I had all the time in the world. Years passed, and I had flirtations at best with running and the gym, but nothing stuck. I just kept coasting and gaining weight. I spoke with my doctor about different things to try, but I knew I needed to get my mental state sorted out before I could move ahead physically.

Then we get to December 2016.

I was really starting to feel the weight on me. I had turned 42 earlier that year, and I felt the strain on my back, knees, and ankles. I would consistently sprain my ankles because of the lack of strength and the weight I was carrying. December 2016 was also significant because it marked ten years since my mother had passed. She died too young, having lived many years with Multiple Sclerosis. She had plans...

That month was also my annual physical. During the visit, my doctor suggested bariatric surgery—something he would only recommend as a last resort. It shocked me. I told him, “That’s fine, but if I don’t get my head straight, it won’t make any difference.” I was at my heaviest known weight of 349 pounds, and we anticipated my pending labs would be pretty bad.

Another week or so passed, and it was Christmas. I attempted to snowshoe for the first time, but I couldn’t even make it a quarter of a mile. I had to turn back and wait for everyone else to return. Sitting in the car, occasionally running the heat, it was dark, cold, and I was alone with my thoughts. I looked back at the wasted time and opportunities. I knew I couldn’t change the past, but I had to decide how I was going to move forward.

As we closed in on the New Year, I saw it as the moment to start making changes. New year, new me, right? Look, I never make New Year’s resolutions. I don’t fault anyone who does, but I know they never stick for me. I had to figure out how to make this time work.

So, I posted to Facebook—a message very similar to this one—and made a promise to post weekly updates, good and bad, along with a photo to track my progress. I was forcing myself into public accountability. This was entirely new ground for me, and it turned out to be one of the best decisions I ever made.

The photo below is what I posted on Facebook the day I committed to this journey.

Two weeks later, I found out my A1C was pre-diabetic.

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I’ve been thinking, and usually, that doesn’t end well for me.
But here I am, looking forward to a change and not back. I’m not saying I’m forgetting the lessons learned, but I’m finally realizing I cannot change it.
So what’s bringing me to post today?
I feel like I’m at a turning point and am getting a new start. Yeah, I know I’ve said this before, but this time it really feels different to me. I can’t explain it, but I feel like this is where I need to be and that everything I’ve done, the good and bad, brought me here.
So, here I am again, to pontificate on my plan.
Mental Health
I’ve been working on my mental health.
I’ve been in treatment for my anxiety and depression for some time, but this year I really took a step forward. I’m seeing a counselor on a regular basis and I’ve been working with my physician to adjust my meds. While my ultimate goal would be to stop the meds, I fully understand and embrace that this is where I need to be. For the first time in a long time, I feel like me again. It’s been years, if not decades, since I’ve felt this well.
This sense of wellness is allowing me to work on being more present in my life—something I haven’t felt able to do for some time now. I’ve also been trying to say yes to things outside my comfort zone. It’s been a challenge, but I am making progress.
That’s not to say I don’t have down days. They still come; in fact, today was one. I just needed to stay home and have a quiet day to myself. However, I feel like I’ve wasted a day. I understand I haven’t—I just listened to what I needed to do—but it’s an old habit to break.
"Work in progress" is a very accurate phrase right now.
Physical Health
With that said, the improvements in my mental health are allowing me to get back to my physical health.
Since my marathon two years ago, I’ve been in a funk. My running dropped off, I wasn’t going to the gym, and I was just in cruise control. Of course, I started seeing changes, like gaining 40 pounds in the last two years, though I’m down 10 already. But I had excuses… a couple of unexpected injuries, loss, my own brain saying I’ll start tomorrow or next month. The time slid by and I did the bare minimum. I even worked with a trainer for six months this past year and I still didn’t get it.
But now, with my mental state clearing, I’m feeling more able to get back to it. I’m very slowly returning to my running. It’s definitely been a bit of stop-and-go, but I know that’s on me.
I am also trying to add some variety to my exercise. I’m going to schedule some hikes, get my bike tuned back up, try to add daily walks again, and—of all the things I could choose—I am doing CrossFit.
I know, right? But I need that type of structured fitness routine right now and the group I’ve joined has been very supportive of my efforts.
For the first time in a long time, I feel I’m on the right track and making changes for my future.
Finally, thank you to everyone who’s put up with my crap and supported me all this time.
Now it’s my turn.

So why am I using Substack?
I am looking for a new way to keep myself accountable, and this is certainly outside my comfort zone. And let’s face it, social media is a lot of background noise. By coming here, I can focus on my work and really document what I’m working on.
Moving forward, I plan to expand what I produce here. There will be regular, unfiltered updates on my physical and mental health. I will talk about the wins and the setbacks. More importantly, I plan to use this platform to improve my writing and to dive deeper into projects I am passionate about.
Thanks for subscribing and being part of the journey. Let’s see what’s next!

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